Pleasurable, actually
by the-rasmus-fans
Summary: Snape gets drunk, gets McGonagall pregnant but can't remember. McGonagall has to tell him the facts of life.
1. 1 In which Snape gets drunk

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Title: Pleasurable, Actually

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Chapter: 1

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Genres: Humour, mild sexual

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Ships: Snape / McGonagall

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Time: The trio's 2nd year (1992/1993)

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Rating: PG13

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Language: Quite mild... Nothing you wouldn't hear at school, anyway. Oh... well, that doesn't leave much. Okay, not quite so mild! O.o

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Sex / nudity: Once but that may turn out to be fairly graphic. Also references when Prof. M is explaining.

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Violence: None

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Other: Um, the facts of life are included. But that goes under Sex / nudity, doesn't it?

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Authors' Note:

L- Hello. Amy thought of this title (She randomly said it) while sitting in a jacuzzi.

A- No I didn't! Well... yes, I did, but I didn't mean it in a dodgy way. Anyway, I got it from 'Love, Actually', one of our favourite films.

L- Well the actual storyline doesn't relate to 'Love, Actually' at all.

A- Except Alan Rickman is in it! Go watch it! Watch it now, it's hilarious! (I would like to add now that one of the reasons I read somewhere for 'when you know you're too obsessed with hp...' was that you went to see Love, Actually because there was a hp actor in it... Okay, I'm guilty!!)Yeah, anyway, watch it!

L- Snaaaaaaaaaaaape!!!!!

A- ...Yes. Now let's get on with the actual fic!

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"Aaargh!" Professor McGonagall heard the strangled cry of rage from outside her office and sighed. She waved her wand at the door, revealing a very pissed off looking Professor Snape. 

"Minerva!" he yelled. "This really is the last straw! Potter - has - got - to - go!"

"Calm down, Severus! What has he done this time?"

"He attacked me! With a _rubber haddock!_"

Weren't the fake wands in book 4? L- Yes, probably. Oh well.) 

"Have a biscuit, Severus."

"I DON'T WANT A BLOODY BISCUIT, I WANT POTTER EXPELLED!!" He shot a few silver sparks from the end of his wand as he screamed.

"Um... maybe some wine?" suggested McGonagall. Snape considered this for a moment. 

"Now, that I'll have!" he accepted the glass his colleague poured him and settled himself stiffly in a chair opposite her.

*

Two hours later, Professor McGonagall had had two glasses of wine. As for Snape, however, she had lost count. All she knew was that there were three empty bottles on her desk. She actually found it almost... cute how drunk he was. Actually, how drunk was he, she wondered?

"No need for that muggle breathalyser rubbish..." she muttered to herself. "Severus? What do you think about... Potter?"

"Oh, he's a good boy really. And he has really cool... glasses!"

(L- Well, that speaks for itself. Not very slurred, though, Aims. A- I can't do slurred speech, okay? I tried and it was really bad, so I deleted it. L- Well, you know I couldn't either, so don't worry about it! J )

"Right..." Professor McGonagall raised one eyebrow, as she watched Snape slowly slide off his chair and land with a thud on the floor.

"Hey, Minnie... can I call you Minnie?" he asked.

"Yes, Severus. If you must. Uh, I'd better get you to a bathroom before you... Too late. Severus! These are my best robes!" she chided him. She quickly dragged him to the staff bathroom. After running the bath, she instructed the drunken potions master to get into it. 

"But I'll get _wet!_" exclaimed Snape in horror.

"Yes, Severus, that is the general idea."

"But what about my _robes?_"

"Most people take them off, Severus. Would you like me to help you?" she said sweetly, as if he was three years old.

"Okay, Minnie" Professor McGonagall sighed. This was going to be a long night...

*

The staff bathroom was, in fact, a lot like the prefect bathroom. There was a lot of marble and gold, and the bath was swimming-pool sized, with several taps. Severus seemed to be enjoying playing with a tap which gave out bubble bath shaped like little multicoloured eggs.

"Look, Minnie, eggs! Hey, mini eggs, I love mini eggs! They're scrumptious and galumptious and clumptious and plumptious and..."

"...And what are mini eggs, Severus?" asked McGonagall, humouring him.

"Oh, oh! They're my favouritest muggle sweet! They're little mini... eggs! And they're eggs! And they're mini! And they're mini... eggs! Made of chocolate! They look just like these! Mini! Eggs! Eggs mini! I like mini eggs!"

"So I gathered" said Professor McGonagall dryly, sponging Severus' vomit from the front of her robes. 

"Drat!" she muttered. "This won't come off! It looks like I'll have to join Severus bathing tonight..." the idea struck her that that might not be too much of a bad thing... she began to undress, but just as she was placing one foot into the steaming water, the door clicked open. She whipped her head around and saw Gilderoy Lockhart standing in the doorway. She quickly waved her wand and the door slammed shut in his face. She was most definitely _not _one of the women charmed by his 'award-winning' smile. As he walked off, he muttered to himself "well, it's not like I wanted to join in anyway..."

Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows and sighed deeply. She dunked her toes into the water again, only to have Snape grope at her ankle and yank- it was amazing how much strength was in those bony arms. McGonagall went flying, splashing straight down under the water. She pulled herself back up again furiously, her long dark hair shining.   
"Severus!" She spluttered, then started giggling. It was probably down to the fact Snape was oblivious to her anger and singing, "He'd say I know what I want, and I want it now, I want you, cause I'm Mr. Snape…" on his back.   
Suddenly, the door was slung open yet again. Only it wasn't Lockhart come back to gawp (or try something much, much worse) it was Percy Weasley.   
"Oh, I- sorry Professors!" he stammered, blushing a boiling bright red as Minerva sank further down into the water and Snape stared blankly. "I just- The prefect's bathroom is flooded again, Professors, Peeves- I- well I just- I- should I go now?" Professor McGonagall nodded, her mouth open.   
"Right," said Percy as dignified as he could, then tripped over McGonagall's robes as he was leaving.   
"Well," said McGonagall, clearing her throat. "Let's get you cleaned up, then Severus."   
"Nope," said Snape, slashing as he plunged further away from her. He turned around, watching the bubbles float overhead. "Minnie!" He yelled excitedly. "It's the mini eggs again!"   
"Severus, those… 'mini eggs' never disappeared," McGonagall sighed impatiently.   
"Hey, do you know what they taste like, Minnie?" Snape replied, ignoring what she was saying.   
"Um… they're scrumptious and galumptious and… thumptious?" Professor McGonagall looked warily at the hungry gleam in his eyes. She reached out an arm to him then stopped. After all, nothing could stop Snape when he wanted something.   
*   
"Eww…"   
"Well, I can't imagine soap bubbles taste that nice."   
"They weren't soap bubbles, Minnie eggs, they were mini eggs… mini…"   
"Yes, Severus…"   
McGonagall was now having to wash Snape's mouth out. It seemed it was going to be some time before she got to do what no man- or woman- had done before… she, Professor Minerva McGonagall, was going to wash that hair.   
She pulled him put from under the tap and smirked. "Now, we're going to sort that hair out," she said sweetly, trying to get his back to her. Snape's eyes widened in horror.   
"Hair?!" You mean… your hair?"   
"No!" McGonagall shouted. "What's your implication, Severus? What's wrong with my hair?"   
Snape reached out for her hand and ran his long finger through it. "You've got pretty hair," he replied, not exactly an answer but it satisfied McGonagall all the same. Even if it was in a complete slur that couldn't be taken that seriously.   
Oh. Why thank you, but you've forgotten we're talking about your hair, Severus," and with that McGonagall grabbed Snape and pulled his head back far enough to soak it.   
"Nooooooooooooooo!" Snape shieked like a small child robbed of its favourite toy. "Get off, get off, get off, get off, get off…" McGonagall hung on, and soon the victimised Potions master found his hair sweet smelling and lathered in bubbles. He scowled at her moodily, and pulling away, dunked under water. He surfaced again, his hair in a wet tangle. He scowled again. "I'm wet."   
"And you look much better," McGonagall replied, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you want to attract any women in your lifetime?" Snape snorted in reply. Then he took a lock of her hair again. "You look better with your hair down."   
"Yes well, I don't think it's suitable while teaching."   
"It's suitable now though… Minerva…"   
"Severus… I- what- what are you doing?"   
(L- Oh help. Not the almighty sex scene! A- Squeamish people, hide, god knows what this is going to be like.)   
Whatever Severus was doing, Minerva had to admit she was enjoying it. Even though it was much less suitable than her having her hair down when working.   
(A- That's it? L- Yes. I have faith in the reader's imagination! A-… You're crap at this. L- Hey, you wanna have a go? A- *backs away*)   
*   
"...this fine day! Next we have the Weird Sisters, with their latest hit-"   
Severus Snape's radio alarm clock went flying across the room, landing hard against the wall.   
"I hate that song."   
Snape raised a finger to his temples and grimaced. Where the hell had the ultimate hangover sprung from? He pondered about last night, but everything was vague- then he remembered a detail of it:   
"Have a biscuit, Severus."   
"I DON'T WANT A BLOODY BISCUIT, I WANT POTTER EXPELLED!!"   
"Um... maybe some wine?"   
Snape stared blankly ahead, recollecting as much as could about last night… then he screamed loudly.   
"…OH MY GOD, MINERVA SAW ME AS A DRUNKEN IDIOT!!"   
Meanwhile, Professor McGonagall was a lot more cheery. She sat beside Dumbledore at the Staff Table, giving small smiles at the students staring open-mouthedly at her loose long hair. She changed to a venomous look when she found Lockhart winking at her openly, and turned her head right around in the opposite direction when he held up a sheet of paper that said in his fancy handwriting: 'Remember, I'm five-times winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award!'   
Professor Snape, long term loser of the Most Charming Smile Award, was still missing in the other seat beside her. She began to feel worried. What if he was deliberately avoiding her? After all, he'd been very drunk. It seemed very likely to her now that Severus didn't feel the same way and he was hiding, not wanting to see her after last night's events. She put her spoon down in her porridge bowl and slumped sideways, waiting for the first lesson to begin so she could take a healthy number of points from Slytherin.   
Professor Snape had been in an awful mood when he finally emerged from his room for the first lesson. He'd taken 50 points from Gryffindor when Harry dropped one of his lacewings on the floor, and he's maliciously told Hermione she wasn't putting in enough crushed beetles so she'd have the potion wrong when it was finished. With Ron, he'd announced that he'd be taking 10 points for each time he said "bloody hell," resulting in Gryffindor losing a further 300 points. As if that wasn't enough, Snape threw Neville out the window with a well-placed charm only fifteen minutes into the lesson.   
(A- since when have there been windows in the dungeons, Lauren? L- uh… okay, Snape made a window using Neville! A- ouch! 0.o)   
In Professor McGonagall's lesson, things weren't much better, except with the absence of people flying through windows. She did however threaten to transfigure anyone else who wanted to comment on her hair being back into a bun, which didn't deter Colin Creevey.   
"Um, Professor, could you… could you just look at the camera one second?"   
To cut things short, Colin Creevey eventually ended up as a pineapple.   
…AND HAGRID ATE HIM FOR BREAKFAST!   
(A- Okay, Lauren, let's, uh, end chapter one now. L- Damn, I was enjoying myself… A- And as random as that last sentence was, it is now stricken from the record! L- Awww… A- Colin Creevey's too cute to be eaten XP)

So, what do you think? Should we continue with this or not? Please review, we took the time to write it, we're sure you can spare 5 seconds of your eternally busy lives... ^_^ PS, don't flame - it's naughty to play with fire! XX -Amy


	2. 2 In which Snape hides

A- So, the next chapter is up! We had fun writing this one XD even though we got kicked out of our hiding place at school, then almost had our book stolen by some scary second-years 0.o

L- Bloody kids! We weren't that cheeky! Anyway, this chapter has been CHECKED. No mistakes, ohh no... it's perfect... 

A- Oh yeah, thanks for not noticing accidental use of the word 'slashing' for 'splashing'... or if you did, not pointing it out 

L- Well, they'll notice now, won't they, Amy? ¬¬;

A- Um, yah. Anyway, we know this long conversation here might be boring you, but we have decided to scrap the little bits in the main story, on the suggestion of Silesia... thanks! And we tried to do more description this time.

L- Yes, we need advice, tips, whatever. And thanks to everyone else who reviewed- we're glad you like the fic, and aren't tearing our heads off for doing SS/MM. Believe me, we know people who would! 0.o

Avoiding Professor McGonagall was a tricky business. Snape sat in his office contemplating ways of hiding himself. Invisibility potions wouldn't work because of the complication of explaining where he had gone. He had tried to steal Potter's invisibility cloak, but curiously, Snape hadn't seen him wearing it much lately. He sighed and lit a cigarette; taking a long drag and watching the smoke curl up and disperse. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Severus choked and hurriedly put out the cigarette.

"Severus?" called Professor Dumbledore from outside. "You weren't at breakfast this morning. Are you feeling unwell?" _Thank God!_ thought Severus.

"Yes, headmaster. Yes, I- I am afraid I'm not really feeling up to teaching today. In fact, I- I think I'd better go to the hospital wing," he croaked, faking a coughing fit afterwards for good measure.

Snape staggered convincingly to the hospital wing, glad that it seemed almost empty.

"Hello!" a cheery voice greeted him. Snape groaned. "Oh, are you feeling unwell, Severus? Why don't you take this bed next to me? Don't be afraid to ask, I know talking to celebrities can be a bit daunting, but don't be in awe of me! I sometimes get mobbed by women when I go out, you know... bless them! It's a hard life being famous, but some of us are just born that way!"

"I'm sure," said Snape curtly. "Is there any chance of me getting a bed in an isolation ward, Poppy?" he asked, addressing the nurse who had appeared mid-way through Lockhart's speech. "I'm afraid what I've got might be... ah... _contagious._"

"There are no isolation wards here, Professor Snape! There never were. Why don't you take this bed here, next to Professor Lockhart? It's already made up, look." Snape gritted his teeth and remembered he was supposed to be ill. It was this alone that prevented him from hitting the nurse. He collapsed into the bed reluctantly and announced loudly that he wished to be left alone to sleep.

Snape awoke suddenly at about 3am, aware of a strange warmth in his bed. He closed his eyes again momentarily before opening them slowly and looking down at his bedclothes. Something was wrong... He was definitely sure he didn't have that many legs! Snape felt around below the sheet gingerly and suddenly froze.

"Ooh, Severus! Don't touch me there!" said Gilderoy Lockhart's voice from somewhere near his feet. He screamed and pulled his hand back quickly, kicking violently where he thought his colleague's head should be.

"WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE YOU DOING IN MY _BED_?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?" he screeched, grabbing his wand and pulling back the blanket, crouching over Lockhart with the wand pointing at his chest. 

"I got cold," he replied with a faltering smile.

"The Conflagration Curse will warm you up," snarled Snape, "If you don't get out of my bed _now._"

"Well, I, uh, that is... I think I'm warm enough now, thank you!" stammered Lockhart, crawling back into his own bed. Snape fell back on his pillows in relief, feeling the beginnings of a headache and cursing inwardly.

"You're not cold, are you, Severus? It's a bit chilly in here, isn't it?" asked Lockhart tentatively ten minutes later.

"No, Gilderoy. I am perfectly warm. I suggest you ask Madam Pomfrey for another blanket if you are cold."

"Oh, no. I'm fine. In fact, I'm feeling rather... _hot_ this evening, if you know what I mean?"

"Gilderoy, if you say another word I will curse you into oblivion!" Snape hissed menacingly. 

"But-"

"No!"

"Not-"

"Shut up!"

"Even-"

"Gilderoy, I'm warning you..."

"Just-"

"WHAT IS IT?!" Snape roared.

"I just wanted to say goodnight," Lockhart whimpered.

"Okay, you've said it. NOW GO TO SLEEP!"

"Aren't you going t -"

"No!"

"But-"

"DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID I WOULD CURSE YOU?!?!?!" Snape was once again standing over Lockhart with his wand raised. Lockhart grinned nervously, the pink rollers in his hair quivering, then promptly pretended to fall asleep. Snape shook his head in despair and got back into bed, willing himself to sleep. He found sleep unfortunately didn't come immediately, and so instead contented himself with the knowledge that he wouldn't have to teach Potter tomorrow. Or, in fact, for as long as he could stand to pretend to be ill... as long as he could stand being in the bed next to Gilderoy Lockhart, world's biggest bisexual flirt. He sincerely hoped every night wasn't going to be a repeat of this one.

Some weeks later, Snape was still enjoying the peace and quiet which set the hospital wing apart from the rest of the school. He was glad to note that there had not been any repeat performances from Professor Lockhart. Suddenly the peace and quiet was shattered by the door bursting open and Professor McGonagall running in, one hand clapped to her mouth. Snape's heart skipped several beats. He quickly hid under the blanket, hoping Professor McGonagall wouldn't notice him. He heard a retching noise and sneaked a look. Professor McGonagall had thrown up all over the floor, by the looks of things. Madam Pomfrey rushed out to help her. 

"Lovely, Minerva. We'll just get this cleared up, then find you a bed. I expect you've got one of those 24-hour bug things. There's a nasty one going around, actually. Some of the students have got it." She indicated a small group of students looking nauseous themselves in beds near the hospital wing toilet. As Madam Pomfrey cleaned up, Professor McGonagall made her way over to Professor Snape's bed.

"Severus," she enquired, "what are you doing?"

"I'm not Severus," Severus replied in a squeaky voice, "I'm Filius!"

"Severus, I know it's you. And you've gone all red, by the way. I can still see your forehead." _Damn._ Thought Snape.

"Uh, I, um, need to stay under here in case... in case I breathe on anyone. This, um, this disease I have is very contagious. And very serious." He coughed again, hoping she would go away. "And I have a high temperature." he said to explain the blush.

"Right..." Professor McGonagall gave up and went away. She didn't want Snape to catch her bug, anyhow. "It's alright, Poppy," she called, "I'd rather just take a potion for this, if you don't mind. I have a very busy schedule, you know."

"If you're sure, Professor... it doesn't work very well, though."

"Never mind about that. I mustn't shirk my duty!" she said loudly, throwing a dirty look Snape's way. He didn't see it, being hidden, but she assumed he must have got the general gist. "I notice Professor Snape is still unwell," she remarked. "Is he looking any better? He's been off teaching for a while now. I was starting to get quite worried about him."

"Well, actually..." Madam Pomfrey beckoned Professor McGonagall closer, whispering in her ear. "There's nothing wrong with him. Never was. I've been humouring him, poor chap." She smiled fondly. "I do like having a lot of patients to care for." Professor McGonagall was slightly alarmed by this last revelation.

"Um, don't you think," she said nervously, "Don't you think you've been humouring Severus a little too long?" the school nurse nodded vigorously

"I've been thinking that for some time now. But he looks so sweet all tucked up in bed!" Professor McGonagall once more shot an alarmed look at Madam Pomfrey. She walked briskly over to Snape's bed. 

"Severus."

"Um... yes, Minerva?"

"Don't you think this charade has gone on long enough?"

"What charade, Minerva?"

"Severus, don't be ridiculous. Everybody knows you're just pretending to be ill."

"Do they? I – I mean... pretending? Me? Why ever would I want to do that?"

She bent down to whisper in his ear. "You're not... avoiding anyone?" she muttered.

"What? No! Of- of course not!"

"I'm not stupid, you know, Sever-" she broke off. Snape slowly drew the blanket down to see why. He saw a glitter of teeth.

"Aaarrrggghh!"

"Hello, Professor! I brought you some nice flowers to brighten up your bedside. Are you feeling any better yet?"

"I was until you came," grumbled Snape quietly, scowling as Professor Lockhart arranged the lilac tulips into a pretty vase provided by Madam Pomfrey in a flourish. 

"Hello, Minerva! I didn't see you there! What a pleasant surprise!"

"...Hello. I- I should be going now though, Gilderoy. I have a lesson to prepare."

"That's alright, Minerva, I'll keep Severus company for you!" Lockhart proclaimed after her. Snape groaned loudly. "Are you quite alright, Severus?" enquired the clueless Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. There was a very pregnant pause. Lockhart looked rather worried, and turned to Madam Pomfrey as she bustled past to tend to some ill students.

"...He's not dead, is he?"

Madam Pomfrey raised her eyebrows and shook her head. 

"No, Professor Lockhart. Perhaps Professor Snape simply wants to sleep." It was then that Severus had to prevent himself from cheering loudly. He promised himself that he_ would_ kill Lockhart some day, in front of as large an audience as possible.

A- 0.o Madam Pomfrey scares me!

L- Lockhart scares me more...

A- Hey, you wrote those bits ¬¬;

L- And my god, did I secretly enjoy it MWA HA HA HA! ...please review, we love tips and comments and suggestions and... stuff.

A- F-F-F-FALLING!

L- Ignore Rasmus Girl there ¬¬; She needs to sort out her priorities!


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